Are therapists in business due to unsupported support?
Do we deserve it? Do
we know what it is? The edge of my soul is upon me in the moment of its
conception, when the depth of feeling meets the intellect of choice. As I
analyse the experiences I have had, it is with a deep disappointment and raw
clarity that I see the truth of what people including myself, allow ourselves
to receive. Why was the truth masked in a velvet glove? Why can we not see the
truth of what stands in front of us? The pain of falling from the holding of
another, the despair of dropping one’s own value in order to be in alignment
with this experience. The future can only look like a dishevelled replica of
what has gone before, choosing characters in the story that provide the same
outcome by way of familiarity. Relationships without a back bone and the
illusion of support. Support defined by currency or a superficial nature. Where
is the holding?
Seeing more clearly
the types of supportive offerings and coping mechanisms in existence to
compliment; I can name them as the illusion, pretence and fantasy of support in
addition to conditional and abusive support. Each of these more magical than
the other and all affording an unhappy ending. The illusion of support is one
where somebody has invited us to believe that they will be there for us by
making themselves look different that they actually are. Like a magician and
unlike an enjoyable magic trick, the effect of the vacancy of presence can be
detrimental to the starry eyed believer. A show-man or good promoter can offer
an appealing picture and wisdom to see through the glare is paramount. Dropping
any expectation of such a person is a good way of shortening the fall. Also, a
necessary skill is allowing ourselves to choice to know the difference between illusion
and reality. More often than not, the promoter is unaware of their affective
offering or the effects of its illusive quality. This person has not only informed
us as to what they internally offer themselves in terms of support, but also the
extent to which they have experienced support during their developmental
childhood.
The pretence of
support is slightly more damaging whereby somebody has actively went out of
their way to show us the promise of support and act in the directly opposite
fashion. In this instance, we may second guess ourselves. The pretender has
made themselves known as a supplier of great support, when in actual fact,
provide the complete opposite and especially when most required. In addition to
this, they may have manoeuvred us into a position where we believe their existence
and wellbeing to be more important to ours. Therefore, not only may we recover
quickly from their absence and selfishness, we also may find it easier to accept
it. This type of manipulator will try to convince us of their invisible presence
and so this person is usually attracted to a type of vulnerability usually
found in we who have walked this earth unseen during our developmental
childhood. This will suit the pretender as such contenders are easier to
manipulate. Again, here the pretenders behaviour is only telling us of their
own struggles during their childhood and is possibly mimicking a parent. The
pretence of support shows itself to be a more cruel form of persuasion and can
have detrimental effects on the receiver. Self-sabotage is very evident here on
the part of the receiver with a possible familiarity around abuse. The
pretender has disallowed themselves from finding happiness and instead has
chosen to inflict pain onto others as a failed attempt to describe their own
pain and in the pursuit of finding help, to exhibit unhealthy boundaries by
being unable to communicate what they need. The pretender on a conscious level
may be unaware of their attempts to ask for help and instead has a bitter taste
about life without knowing why? Abusive support is that which stems from the
pretence of support because the effect of the polarity offered by such un-supporting
supporters, is in fact abusive.
The fantasy of support
is whereby we want to believe that somebody else is going to be there for us
and are extremely hurt when reality hits and they let us down. This type of
fantasy is easier to overcome and requires a visitation to the real world where
we can focus on what somebody is offering rather than what we are trying to
project onto them. This projection may be a picture of what we want this story
to look like. This has a ripple effect on the rest of our lives and does not
normally stop at relationship, whereby everything seems to look forced and has
a certain falseness to it. With the disability to see the truth due to choice,
being present will become exceedingly and increasingly difficult affording its
own consequences to mental, emotional, physical health in addition to
maintaining healthy relationships or any relationship at all. Subscribers who
are happy to live in the world where their lack of support is replaced with a fantasy, are those
who too want to live in the land of make-believe and this scenario is an
opportunity for them to evade being present, once again.
Conditional support is
a common one, whereby we may have somebody’s support as long as we act accordingly,
exactly as they wish us to. This experience is one of being controlled by the
wishes of another and those of us on the receiving end could possibly live in the
fear of the support being taken away. Those of us falling privy to the actions
of these people could very well be dipping into co-dependency and the
co-dependent is a natural choice by those liking to control others. A common
combination here is that of a narcissist and a co-dependent. Conditional
support keeps the co-dependent dependent by living in fear of loss and allows
the narcissist free reign over controlling not only our emotions but also
ensures that their needs are the more important and are always met.
Low self-esteem and not knowing there is another choice is an easy answer. If we have never experienced anything else, sometimes it is hard to imagine it could exist. Therapists are in business because of this deficit, providing a service which we know nothing about until we feel it, the presence of support. What actually happens in the treatment room is this very exchange. Unknowingly to the client much of the time, the inclination to return is because now, at last, they are experiencing something they knew deep down existed and could be found. The possibility of finding this holding is now a reality and it is in this place, their unknown knowing can be uncloaked and the belief in a love of self and presence can be regained. A self-support can now be built on the bricks of this supportive space, a base required for this seed to grow. The possibility of true connection can now be realised, slowly, with purpose and truth.
